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hey everyone.
i havn't posted in a really long time. i know. sorry.
ive been busy, with the move and all. i ended up switching schools...i hate the school......everyone is so mean there. if someone doesnt know you they look at you like you're a freak of nature. it sucks.. HUGE! but whatever. my parents wont let me switch, i dont think at least. im going to tell them tonight at dinner. maybe theyll let me switch back to my old school. doubt it. but im still crossing my fingers.
im posting today because i thought of something. i want to start a journal. you know, get my feelings out in a secure and non-violent way. but i cant find a journal. so i thought of another thing. this is going to be my journal. although it may not work because i dont always sign onto the computer. but lately, i need a journal. so you never know. so here goes.
today something interesting happened. i realized i really care about one of my friends. more than a friend care actually. i really like him. i knew i liked him before now but i didnt realize i liked him this much..the good part of this is that we're besties. so i can talk to him about anything and vice versa. he doesnt know i like him..that seems to be what i do. suffer in silence. im going to tell him soon. maybe this weekend, hopefully. but i will tell him. i will NOT make the same mistake with the other guy i liked..who moved out of my country... he will know. he will..weve dated in the past, i think all those datings made us besties. but now its different. it feels different this time. i feel the need to talk to him every time i can, at every moment. but the problem is that i cant or hell figure it out.. maybe that isnt so bad actually. but another problem, theres nothing to talk about. i dont go to his school anymore. and if i just talk i talk jibberish. but as i was saying this time is different. i feel like he can make me happy. all the time, even when i dont want to be. i want to be with him. but im not sure if he wants to be with me.
i know right.. im only making excuses not to tell him or show him. but i promise to myself that i will tell him. and i NEVER break my promises. thats something me and him have figured out together.. :) when i think of him i cant help but smile. isnt that weird? ive known him since kindergarten and weve dated multiple times. when i say multiple times i mean multiple times. one time when we were dating we were talking about all the times we had liked eachother. it turned out that we had liked eachother at the same time all the time. we just never told eachother. thats when we promised eachother that we would always tell the other when we liked the other. he kept that promise every time. so did i. i just took longer to tell him. thats how its always been. the only reason i havnt told him yet is for two reasons.
1. he hasnt told me. i trust him to tell me. but maybe its different for him too this time...and
2. it really IS different this time.
the next time i see him ill be so tempted to kiss him and tell him. i may just. minus the kissing. maybe ill just msn him it, while hes on ofcourse. then sign off after..yeah that sounds like a plan.
so anyways i said that i figured out today how much i liekd him, even though i knew i liked him already. i figured out how much because of my dance class. weird huh?
well it was when were done performing our dances that we had coreographed ourselves. there was 15 minutes left and my teacher gave the class some time to go to our 'happy place' and chill for a while. so i went into the corner of the gym and layed down and closed my eyes. i pictured my 'happy place' that i always pictured when we were told to. im laying down by the sea. im facing the sky and there are a few white fluffy clouds in the sky. theres dolphins jumping everywhere in the water where i look. there are cute fluffy bunnies, squirrels and tehres a deer herd grazing not far off. im always looking at the dolphins in my happy place. this time though when i pictured it, i wasnt really in my 'happy place' i pictured it for a little while longer to try to figure out why when he came and layed down beside me. you know..my bestie. when he layed down he took my hand and pulled me close. we were just lying there together looking at the dolphins and just enjoying eachotehrsd presence. well..at least i was.
the point is that its crazy how much ive come form saying 'hes cute' or funny or nice to 'i cant stop thinking about you'.
if i dont get with him soon itll pass and ill go back to teh otehr guy. all my emotions for him will come rushing back. just wanting tobe near him. happy when he is and sad when he is. i couldnt help it. but now..if my bestie feels the same. i may be able to let go completely.
thats all i have..hope you enjoyed reading what is gaurded closely from others...
yours truly